Boarding School?! “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.”

As a child, it didn’t feel like it could get much worse than saying goodbye to Mum & Dad at the Old Delhi Bus Station, with the prospect of the forthcoming semester at Woodstock School doing its best to simulate an aching eternity in my heart. I hated the separation.

However, as time has gone by, I’ve appreciated those years more and more. We had a lot of fun. It gave me an ability to express myself by writing weekly letters to my parents. It gave me my love of planning holidays as a way to make memories which, in turn, is a way to glue a family together. This is what my Dad did in those few weeks we had together each year. It gave me an empathy for the lonely and alone. It gave me an early immersion in multicultural life. It gave me a bond with that place and people in the Himalayas. But one more thing…

It gave me surrogate parents. Other people stepped into the breach, filling the parenting place for a season and becoming a focus of my love and gratitude for a lifetime. One such person was Bob Morris, a teacher at Woodstock. A few minutes ago I heard the news that Bob has died of cancer. I was hoping to visit him in Toronto in June and say my good-byes and offer my thank-yous, but these covidian times of ours scuttled those plans.

It is the middle of the night, but I wanted to get up and express my thanks to Bob and let my thoughts wander a bit. I have no photos of Bob from those early years and so I hope the family don’t mind me going to his facebook page and using this one…

Actually, I had already been thinking a lot about surrogate parents this week. While Bob is the defining one, the first one whom I experienced, I am always on the look-out for other examples. A sports-starved world is loving this documentary, The Last Dance, which tells the story of the Chicago Bulls’ journey to their final championship. As tends to happen with youtube, one clip leads to another – and another. I found myself returning to a clip from this season. It is already a favourite of mine. Coby White is a rookie with the Bulls in the NBA and his college coach, Roy Williams, has come to watch him play. Coby turns it on, but watch what happens after the game (it is just a 3 minute clip):

Bob Morris, teacher – but also surrogate parent.
Roy Williams, coach – but also surrogate parent.

It takes me back to the Apostle Paul. If you subscribe to the view that 1 Thessalonians is probably the first letter which Paul wrote, as I do, then what do we discover? In just the 17th verse of his extensive letter-writing career, Paul is speaking about being a surrogate parent.

As apostles of Christ we could have been a burden to you, but we were gentle among you, like a mother caring for her little children. We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us … You are witnesses, and so is God, of how holy, righteous and blameless we were among you who believed. For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encouraging, comforting, and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory. (1 Thess 2. 6b-8, 10-12 … and don’t miss the reference to siblings in v9, but that is another story!)

Paul, apostle – but also surrogate parent.

Over the years of training leaders and pastors, I’ve learned to become attuned to the capacity for surrogacy in a person’s life. I’ve never seen the words of DA Carson in print, but believe you me, I certainly heard them. They’ve healed me. They’ve wounded me. They’ve healed me, again. Yes, they’ve been a bit of ‘the best of times and the worst of times’ all on their own!  I’ve paraphrased them a dozen different ways. Here is my latest version: You can be gifted and skilled in so many ways, but if your people doubt that you love them, no gift or skill will ever seem enough. You can lack those sparkling gifts and skills, even feel a bit mediocre – but if your people are convinced that you love them, that will be sparkle enough.

YOU, the leader – but also surrogate parent.

The biblical metaphors for leadership seem to be captured well with 5 S-words and 1 P-word: shepherd, servant, steward, sage, seer – and parent. But the great illumination of this early hour, as I do my quiet, gentle grieving of ‘Uncle Bob’, is that, in reality, I have SIX S-words: shepherd, servant, steward, sage, seer – and surrogate (parent). Yes, a wondrous illumination for someone like me. Even more wondrous, is that under God’s hand and by God’s grace, each one of these six is within reach of each one of us. It’s true. I am convinced that we can each grow along each of these six trajectories and become the influence which this world needs.

I’ve had a few surrogate parents along the way. I’ve tried to be a surrogate parent myself. “But Bob, you were the first one to get into my life in this way and so you are the one by whom the other ones are measured. I’ve liked it like that. It has worked well like that. Thank-you.”

nice chatting

Paul