In preparing for our youngest son’s wedding last month, I decided to refresh my heart and refocus my vision by reading a couple of books on marriage.

I selected Ray Ortlund’s Marriage and the Mystery of the Gospel  as I was drawn to the author’s goal of developing a biblical theology of marriage. The Table of Contents gives the idea: 1. Marriage in Genesis; 2. Marriage in the Law, Wisdom and Prophets; 3. Marriage in the New Testament; and 4. Marriage in the World Today. I was so stirred by the beauty of the writing and the coherence in the thinking, that I read much of the book aloud to Barby. The Genesis chapter is stunning.

Here is a taste:

Paul’s words about a husband’s love and a wife’s respect not only lift our eyes to the Christ-with-the-church reality but also prompt us to look back to Adam and Eve in Genesis 2. There is an insight embedded here in the biblical call to love and respect that can help every married couple.


For the husband, remember that God made Eve from Adam, for Adam, as his dear partner in life to help him follow the divine call. But now, in our broken world of today, deep in the heart of every wife is a self-doubt that wonders, “Do I please him? Am I the one he dreamed of and longed for? Will he love me to the end? Am I safe with this man I married? Will he cast me off? Even if we go the distance, will he get tired of me?” A wise husband will understand that that uncertainty, that question, is way down deep in his wife’s heart. And he will spend his life speaking into it, gently and tenderly communicating to her in many ways, “Darling, you are the one I want. I cherish you. I rejoice over you, as no other. The thought of living without you is horrible to me. I love the thought of growing old together with you, hand in hand all the way. I will hold you close to my heart until my dying day.”  A wise husband prizes and praises his wife above all others. That is why the word love is in Ephesians 5.33. Love breathes life into a woman.


For the wife, remember that God made Adam first and put him in the garden with a job to do, a mission to fulfil, a mountain to climb. But now, in our broken world of today, deep in the heart of every man is the self-doubt that wonders, “Am I man enough to meet the challenge God has called me to? Can I fulfil my destiny? Won’t I end up failing? Is there any point in even trying?” That question is way down deep inside the heart of every husband. A wise wife will understand that. And she will spend her life speaking into it, communicating to her husband in many ways, “Honey, I believe in you. I know you can follow God’s call, by God’s grace, for God’s glory. The Lord is with you, and so am I. Let’s go for it!” A wise wife will never put her husband down or laugh at him but will greatly strengthen him and build him up, for God’s glory. He will accomplish more by the power of her respect than he ever could on his own. That is why the word respect appears in Ephesians 5.33. Respect breathes life into a man. (101-102)

Pretty bold. This is not a popular vision of marriage in the circles in which I move. And while I still have some itchy-scratchy questions to ask, as I reflect on the secret of the enduring marriages which I have admired over the years there is a resonance with the aspiration in these words.

The second book was Timothy & Kathy Keller’s The Meaning of Marriage. It has been awhile since I read some Keller material, and on this occasion I was as interested in listening to what Kathy had to say (and I was left wanting a bit more, to be fair!). However it is typical Keller, speaking biblical wisdom into complicated cultural realities in his compelling ‘grace and truth’ kind of way, borne in his many years of living and pastoring in Manhattan, in New York City.

Here is a taste:

This principle – that your spouse should be capable of becoming your best friend – is a game changer when you address the question of compatibility in a prospective spouse. If you think of marriage largely in terms of erotic love, then compatibility means sexual chemistry and appeal. If you think of marriage largely as a way to move into the kind of social status in life you desire, then compatibility means being part of a desired social class, and perhaps common tastes and aspirations for lifestyle. The problem with these factors is that they are not durable. Physical attractiveness will wane, no matter how hard you work to delay its departure… (130)

… here’s what it means to fall in love. It is to look at another person and get a glimpse of the person God is creating, and to say, “I see who God is making you, and it excites me! I want to be part of that. I want to partner with you and God in the journey you are taking to his throne. And when we get there, I will look at your magnificence and say, ‘I always knew you could be like this. I got glimpses of it on earth, but now look at you.'” Each spouse should see the great thing that Jesus is doing in the life of their mate through the Word, the gospel. Each spouse then should give himself, or herself, to be a vehicle for that work and envision the day that you will stand together before God, seeing each other presented in spotless beauty and glory. My wife, Kathy, says that most people, when they are looking for a spouse, are looking for a finished statue when they should be looking for a wonderful block of marble. (132-133)

… It often happens that you have a good friend of the opposite sex with whom you share common commitments. You trust this person’s wisdom and you find you can open up and share many intimate things without fear. He or she understands you well and listens to you and gives you great advice. But the person doesn’t attract you romantically. Maybe he or she doesn’t have the body type that you find appealing. You feel no sexual chemistry at all. Then imagine that you meet someone else to whom you feel very attracted. This person has the physical and social attributes you have been looking for and is interested in you, too. So you start seeing each other and you have a lot of fun together and things are moving along into more and more romantic intimacy. But if you are honest with yourself, this person you say you are falling in love with does not make nearly as good a friend as the one you already have, nor is that likely to change. You are in trouble. (136)

It has been interesting to watch my reactions as I read these two books. Ortlund kept returning me to my own marriage, primarily, as well as to the marriages of those nearest to me. So much that is so wise and so bold for those willing to listen. My commitment to my wedding vows was renewed as I read. The Kellers’ book, on the other hand, turned my heart towards those who are not-yet-married, be they students, or friends, or extended family. So much that is so wise and so bold for those willing to listen. It is such a cruel world out there for Christian young adults wanting to be consecrated to Christ, as they wonder and wander.

nice chatting

Paul