Sometimes I wish I could rewind those final days, play them again, and slow them down. It is all such a blur. I had no idea that everything would happen so quickly. On a Friday we realised the end was coming. He died on Wednesday. The funeral was on the Monday. I wish I had lingered longer. Goodness me, I was in the middle of a conversation with him about my future – a conversation that will never finish now. It must be so hard for people who have no warning, for whom the death of those they love comes suddenly.
They were unparalleled days of experiencing God’s care and help. Between death and funeral I had to slip across the Tasman to speak at a Mission Conference in the Blue Mountains. It was not right to abandon them at such a late hour. I remember arriving back home early Sunday evening, waking at 2.30am and working for 7 straight hours on my message for the funeral. I felt ‘carried along by the Spirit’ with that sense of God popping words and ideas into my head…
I miss him. I am grateful to family and friends who have let me keep talking about him. That has been important. I miss the soft face, the lingering hug and the reassurance that he loved me and was proud of me. But life goes on. Nine months after he died, his first great grandson (Micah) was born and all of a sudden, it seems, I became Grandpa Windsor. Oh, how Dad would love to have cuddled that little boy…
Rather surprisingly, the thing that has helped me the most has been listening to Dad singing some old hymns in a recording he made for his mother some thirty years ago. In a labour of love, my brother Mark put heaps of his music on disc for us to enjoy. I know they are giggle-territory for younger people, but I’ve loved the simple spirituality, the deep consecration, and the tender intensity in them. These qualities marked Dad’s life and as I listen my prayer is that they will mark mine as well.
I want to draw much closer when I pray;
To listen more intently for Thy voice,
To let the things Thou choosest, be my choice.
I long to serve Thee better, hour by hour,
Depending more entirely on Thy power;
I want to know more fully all Thy will,
To count upon each promise and be still.
I long to find new beauties in Thy word,
To follow in the footsteps of my Lord;
And, oh, the dearest longing through Thy grace,
willing
breast?
gentle and true
lonely today,
friend?
by your side,
longing to bring
soul?
weakest to use,
In cruel anguish on Calvary’s tree.
I do not merit such love divine,
Only God’s mercy makes Jesus mine.
In full surrender Thine own to be.
I fear no evil whate’er assails.
His arms enfold me, safe and secure,
In His blest keeping victory is sure.
Rescue lost sinners from fear and woe.
I love to serve Him, this Master true,
Now I am willing His will to do.
To serve unpaid, unloved,
unsought, unknown,
To bear rebuke, to suffer
scorn and scoffing;
So send I you to toil for
Me alone.
broken,
O’er wand’ring souls to
work, to weep, to wake,
To bear the burdens of a
world aweary;
So send I you to suffer for
My sake.
longing,
With heart ahung’ring for
the loved and known,
Forsaking home and kindred,
friend and loved ones;
So send I you to know My
love alone.
As the Father has sent me,
so send I you.
nice chatting
Paul
About Me
the art of unpacking
After a childhood in India, a theological training in the USA and a pastoral ministry in Southland (New Zealand), I spent twenty years in theological education in New Zealand — first at Laidlaw College and then at Carey Baptist College, where I served as principal. In 2009 I began working with Langham Partnership and since 2013 I have been the Programme Director (Langham Preaching). Through it all I've cherished the experience of the 'gracious hand of God upon me' and I've relished the opportunity to 'unpack', or exegete, all that I encounter in my walk through life with Jesus.
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My goodness, Paul, what a voice! It brings to life those newspaper reviews of your Dad's oratorio performances in the book. Wonderful. And the phrasing!
Your Dad's book has lingered with me over these weeks and I am very glad to have it.
Thinking of you and yours in the long, long journey that is grief. And also in the long joy of new life.
Glad you enjoyed the songs, tkr. They seem to be improved in quality here and I was so pleased to get Tim's help that made it possible.
I am in Hong Kong where a typhoon approaches – UGH!
Paul
What a wonderful treasure to have these recordings of your dad. That is quite a musician and quite a set of lungs you hear coming through those recordings.
thanks for sharing with the rest of us!
What a lovely voice, and clear recordings, hasn't taste in music changed in a couple of generations. Though we had the pleasure of listening to a stradivarius being played last night, in Tauranga!
I had quite forgotten being involved (back in 2012 when live here was still pretty new for us).
Wow Paul, such a treasure to have these recordings preserved. My grandma used to tell me stories of waiting for him at the hospital but knowing he was on his was as his voice carried down the corridor, singing hymns at the top of his lungs. Such a blessing. Love you, Sarah