One of the most common things I find myself saying to younger people is the importance of building a network of friendships where their various friends can be located in various concentric circles.
In the core circle are those friends with whom we are close. In the outer circle are those friends who are a bit more than acquaintances with whom we are not that close. Then there are various circles in between. For healthy relational living there need to be people in each concentric circle – and strategies need to be developed to enable this to happen.
It is such a helpful picture to draw on the back of an envelope…
However the mistake that is so often made is that some circles remain empty. For example, sometimes the core receives all the attention as friendship becomes dependent, even co-dependent, on just a few people where the honest and the intimate are freely shared as life is absorbed with them. On other occasions – oh, so sad – it seems that the only place where people are found are in the outer circle as a searing loneliness takes over, and social skills remain limited.
Two implications of this:
(a) Local church communities need to audit what they do and how they do it in order to ensure that it is readily possible for a given person to develop friends in the inner and the outer concentric circle. Audit the events. Audit what you know of the life of each person. Is there a balance through the circles?
(b) This is another image that can be placed in a divine frame. I love my ‘divine frame’! It is such a useful picture… Let God take control of friendships. Let him enclose every relationship. Let his frame be of such a colour that it draws out such colours in each friendship in each circle.
nice chatting
Paul
About Me
the art of unpacking
After a childhood in India, a theological training in the USA and a pastoral ministry in Southland (New Zealand), I spent twenty years in theological education in New Zealand — first at Laidlaw College and then at Carey Baptist College, where I served as principal. In 2009 I began working with Langham Partnership and since 2013 I have been the Programme Director (Langham Preaching). Through it all I've cherished the experience of the 'gracious hand of God upon me' and I've relished the opportunity to 'unpack', or exegete, all that I encounter in my walk through life with Jesus.
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Interesting…but how do you make close, not-so-close, not-close, aquaintance friendships? Isn't there a certain amount of "it just happens"? If not, what's the secret?
Fair comment, Ali
My sense is that with the outer circles it is more about letting it happen, rather than making it happen. It is about making time for those healthy social settings like home groups and church communities … and when younger, making a priority of doing things in groups – rather than pairing-off. And as an introvert myself, it is being willing to put yourself 'out there' just a bit – say 'hi' to someone you don't know in those settings, for example.
With the inner circles there needs to be a willingness to treasure friendships by caring for people – but also being willing to open up yourself and show some transparency and authenticity. Be in discipling and mentoring relationships. Have prayer partners and accountability people. That kind of thing.
A few quick thoughts on limited and slow internet in Port Vila, Vanuatu!
blessings